Five Tips to Jump Start Your Intimate Relationship This Year
As a new year kicks in, many people are setting new goals. Most often people set goals for physical health, financial goals, career advancement, etc. Have you thought about setting goals to enrich your intimate relationship with your partner / spouse? It is a lot easier to let your relationship slide over time if not being intentional. In this blog article, I want to offer four tips to jump start your intimate relationship and help you feel more fulfilled and connected with your partner this year!
Tip #1: Be aware of how you start your communication with your partner—a “Softened Start-up”: instead of a harsh start-up
Almost every couple that I spoke to in the initial phone consultation tells me that “we need help with communication”. It is important to learn that the way a topic is brought up sets the tone for the rest of that discussion. Conversations tend to end similar to the way they begin. Imagine that starting with a hostile and accusatory tone is likely to get a defensive response from the other person. A gentle start up in dialoging with your partner may not always guarantee the most positive ending conversation with your partner, which is not in your entire control. But a harsh star-up tends to invite negative responses from your partner and would inevitably end on a negative note. How you start your conversation and express yourself—that is, within your control—can play an important role to influence determining how your conversations with your partner would possibly turn and end.
The Scripture also provides such wisdom “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverb 15:1)
Questions for reflection:
1. What is my tone, the volume of my voice, and my body gesture when I start the conversation with my partner?
2. What is one thing that I can grow this year to practice softened start-up when I communicate with my partner?
Tip #2: Avoid the “Four Horsemen” in the interactions as much as possible
The renowned relationship expert, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, indicated that when certain kinds of communication negativity are allowed to run rampant over time, the couple gradually turn away from each other, leading lonely lives and increasing distrust. Specifically, Dr. John Gottman identified the four particular types of negative interactions that would predict divorce and he called these negative communication patterns “the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse”. These four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Please note that not all negative statements are equally corrosive, but some are much more damaging than others. Couples who exhibit these patterns and do not change are likely are headed for relational disaster down the road. Eliminating the four Horsemen can set a positive tone in your intimate relationship!
More details about these four destructive interactional patterns will further be explained in my next blog post.
Question for you to reflect: Among the four Horsemen, which pattern(s) do you recognize most often in your relationship and how does it play out in your dialogue with your partner?
Tip #3: Stop the Comparison Game
I will never forget a conversation I had with a 93-year-old lady, who shared with me the tips that last for 70 years with her spouse. She said “well, when it comes to argument with my husband, as much as I’d like to think that I’m right, over the years I’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right!” I think this lady sounds so wise! It is human that we tend to keep scores of wrong doings. But if you are not careful, comparison can creep into your intimate life and become toxic. Instead, whenever you sense that resentment toward your partner starts rising inside you, practice to express your needs clearly and explicitly instead of taking out your emotions to your loved one(s).
Questions for reflection: In what area(s) of my marriage / intimate relationship can I give up comparison with my partner / spouse?
Tip # 4: Build relationship Routines
Increasing intimacy of your marriage requires intentionality to connect with each other. Scheduling a date night doesn’t sound romantic, but what gets scheduled gets done! Proactively reaching out to the spouse to stay connected is equally important. Start with two important routines of connection that you and your partner would like to focus on more this year. I’d suggest these two routines need to be actionable and doable. Routines that are built upon everyday interactions are essential to keep a couple turn toward each other on a regular basis. Some ideas for relational routines are for instance,
· Having one on one, uninterrupted conversations for 15 to 30 minutes before bedtime
· Checking in with each other during mid-day and ask how is your partner’s day going for her/him
· Eating dinner together without electronic devices daily
· Planning one overnight getaway every quarter
· Scheduling a Friday lunch date every two weeks
Question to think about: Talk to your partner about what are the two routines of connection that you two want to focus on this year to grow your intimacy.
Tip number 5: Make Specific and Measurable Goals
A satisfying intimate relationship requires intentionality and work. Have a proactive and intentional plan. Many couples make their new year’s goals such as going on dates. I’d also recommend adding more specifics and measurable is going to help you be successful instead of simply resolving to go on more dates. For instance, discuss with your partner: “how frequent do you want to go on dates?” “Where would you like to go?” “When will you be available?” “What’s our budget?” “Who can we reach out for childcare?” Being intentional also means to stay focused to work out the details. This not only gives you momentum and confidence to keep going, it also makes it easier to adjust things if you need.
If you and your partner want to jump start your relationship connection and increase intimacy, please feel free to schedule a complimentary 15 minutes consultation with Dr. Ching-Ching Ruan, or contact @ drchingchingruan@v2020counseling.com or (425) 310-2514.