Eliminate these Four Horsemen Would Increase the Quality of Your Communication with Your Partner / Spouse

In my initial phone consultation with potential couple clients, when asked what is the main goal for couples counseling, almost 90% of the responses I received is “we need to work on communication so we can better communicate with each other.” As equally important as to increase the quality of communication, I want to raise your awareness to recognize the four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship based on the research done by Dr. John Gottman. He coined the term “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, which is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. In his study of more than two thousand couples over two decades, Gottman discovered that the presence of these four negative communication styles in a marriage could predict which couples would divorce with 94 percent accuracy. Therefore, I would like to provide some psychoeducation to help couples eliminate these four negative communication styles would reduce negativity in their interactions with your loved one. 

1. Criticism

The first horsemen is criticism. Criticizing your partner is very different than voicing a complaint or offering constructive critiques. A complaint is a specific statement of anger, distress or other negativity. Criticism is much less specific, but more on blaming and attacking your partner’s character. You may notice the words like “always” or “never”. 

The example of learning the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:

Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call or text me. I thought we agreed to go see a movie together tonight.”

Criticism: “You’re so selfish. You don’t care about my time and let me wait for you forever. You never think of me.”  

We all get upset with our partner sometimes. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the partner who receives critical language feel hurt and rejected. As a result, it causes you and your partner to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which slowly and eventually leads to contempt. 

Defensiveness  

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself, to defend one’s innocence, to ward off a perceived attack. Defensiveness looks like counter-criticizing, justifying actions, or playing the victim. For example “I show up late because I have a demanding job. Don’t you get this? You also came late to our anniversary dinner last year, but I didn’t criticize you.” 

Contempt 

Contempt is a deadly weapon to destroy intimacy within a very short time. Being contemptuous is the most harmful of the horsemen. Contemp appears when someone takes on a position of superiority. It may sound like mean-spirited sarcasm, put-down, or insults. Contempt is taking on a critical statement with an attitude of superiority to your partner. According to Gottman, contempt is the best single predictor of divorce in heterosexual couples or break up in same-sex couples. 

The example: “You’re always late. You’re a helpless jerk.”

Stonewalling 

Stonewalling means that the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. If you’re with someone who is stonewalling, it will seem as if the other person zoned out, looked to the side, didn’t maintain eye contact with you, etc. If your partner stonewalls during conflict, your partner becomes unresponsive. Stonewalling is often the result of physiological overwhelm and may likely have a racing heart and a flood of stress hormones. Dr. Gottman indicates that usually men exceed women in this area. 

Avoiding these four horsemen in your communication with your partner keeps your relationship from going off the rails. For every horseman there is an antidote. I will share how to stop these four horsemen with their antidotes.  To learn more about the Four Horsemen in Dr. Gottman’s work, visit their website at www.gottman.com. If you’re interested in learning about whether the four horsemen are present in your communications with your partner, you can take Gottman Relationship Check Up Assessment

Dr. Ching-Ching Ruan is trained as a Gottman Method Couples Therapist to treat couples. Schedule a consultation at drchingchingruan@v2020counseling.com