The Right Mindset that Gives My Potential Clients the Greatest Chance for Success in Couples Therapy
Over the years two of the most frequently asked questions that I have heard from potential clients are: “Does couple therapy really work? If it works, how many sessions will we need before we see some results?”
Oftentimes couples who call for couples counseling are looking for a positive outcome, but are uncertain about what to expect from the process of couples therapy. Instead of asking “Does couples therapy really work, I encourage potential clients to think about they aspire to become as an individual and as a couple prior to beginning couples therapy. In. short, I believe that it is important to develop and cultivate the right mindset before entering couples therapy. I also firmly believe that achieving a positive outcome requires a clear and realistic mindset from the very beginning. The right mindset that approaches couple therapy that I will discuss below also considers my principles and concepts of how I work with couples. I believe that these perspectives for setting up a right mindset will give me and my potential couple clients the greatest chance for effective and successful couples therapy. Also, because doing couple therapy costs time and money, I want to offer people the wisdom and tools to do couples therapy in smart ways.
1. Increase clarity about yourself
The main goal of couples therapy is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. First, I’d encourage you to ask yourself questions like the following before you start couples therapy.
· What kind of life do I want to build together with my partner/ spouse?
· What kind of partner / spouse do I aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship I want to create?
· What kind of marriage do I want to create?
· What is my motivation to do the work?
2. Seeking to understand the interactional pattern(s) that you and your partner get stuck in is another equally important mindset that makes couples therapy effective.
As I listen to the pain and hurts in each partner’s story, I seek to help couples to move beyond their conflicts, tracking and finding any habitual interactional patterns that the couple repeatedly gets stuck in. I’ve learned that the content of what couples fight with each other may differ, but sometimes how the fight gets started, escalates, and ends may be a long-established predictable pattern.
Couples therapy becomes effective as couples gain insight into the ineffective pattern(s) they use to resolve issues and problems, and when they learn to apply new tools and knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.
3. Focus on changing yourself rather than your partner.
Couples get caught up in their conflicts, feeling distressed, and often wanting to defend their hurt. Therefore, it makes sense that their focus is on what their partner has done wrong and what their partner should change. Couples can spend hours in therapy giving good reasons why they think their partner should change and what kind of changes they should make. I have seen that it is more common for people to make a strong case for why the other person should improve. In these instances, I’d encourage my couples to focus on improving their response to their partner in order to become a more effective partner, which is a more efficient way to change a relationship. Asking questions like the following few helps:
· What do I think/ do/ communicate to contribute to the ineffective interactional pattern(s) between me and my partner?
· What hinders, blocks or prevents me from becoming the kind of partner I aspire to be?
· What thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, and styles of communication that I bring into the relationship contribute to us being in therapy?
4. Attitude is the key: Respect and Openness.
It is not only about what you say, but also how you say it. The right mindset when starting couples therapy is to convey respect, and openness even during the painful moments of processing the hurt and anger. Effective communication can mean that:
· You want to pay attention to how you manage intense emotions (e.g., anger) when they become intense in the session;
· be mindful about how you communicate and respond to your partner;
· be cognizant about how you can influence your partner to become more responsive to you (turning toward you) instead of turning away from you;
And more…
How you convey respect to your partner and continue to stay open without being defensive helps when therapy begins and as therapy proceeds.
In conclusion, couples therapy takes time and money. To maximize the value of couples therapy, the aforementioned four right mindsets help couples to prepare for therapy and get off to a positive start.