5 Tips on Having Great Communication with Your Partner / Spouse

All of us would agree that healthy communication with your partner is a crucial part of a long-lasting and strong relationship. And yet, many people struggle with communication in their relationships whether dating or marriage. If you and your partner have been having trouble effectively communicating with each other, I’d like to offer a few tips that can help.

 TIP 1: PAUSE AND PROCESS YOUR FEELINGS FIRST   

When people get upset over something, they often are quick to react. Rash reactions while you are very upset or angry can lead to unnecessary hurt in a relationship. Before reacting your partner, there is a healthier way to respond rather than to react. First, allow yourself to pause, and process by taking some time to think and asking yourself “what it is that makes me upset?”. This brief moment makes wonders! To pause and process is to be mindful of what is going on within you and that it allows you to process your feelings and calm down before you talk to your partner. This method also helps to slow down your physiological arousal, to think more clearly and to express yourself calmly. In turn, it helps to keep tensions from further escalating with your partner.  

 TIP 2: RESPONDING RATHER THAN BLAMING

After processing your own feelings, the way you are speaking about your thoughts and feelings to your partner is very important. Many times couples will word their sentences in an accusatory tone, trying to point the blame at their partner. However, this is a very ineffective way to have a discussion with your partner. Rather than pointing the finger, just focus on telling your partner how you’re feeling and/or your needs using sentences that start with “I” rather than “You”. For example: Instead of saying, “You are always on your phone and you never pay attention to me” you could say, “I feel hurt and unnoticed when you are on your phone”.

 TIP3: LISTENING TO YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS (SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN)

Listening to what your partner says is just as important as expressing your feelings. Whether or not you agree with what your partner is saying, you have to listen to what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way. If stress is heightened, your body produces an extremely high amount of adrenaline, that can cause tunnel vision. In other word, while you feel stressed in your relationship, you tend to focus more on yourself rather than your partner. Therefore, being intentional to practice listening

 TIP 4: UNDERSTANDING YOUR PARTNER IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN TO WIN   

Remember that arguments shouldn’t be a debate between partners to see who “wins”, but rather a discussion of how both sides feel and to achieve the goal of understanding where your partner is coming from. After both you and your partner communicate how you are feeling and listen to each other, the goal of understanding helps to bring your relationship with your partner, which is the concept of “turning toward”, according to Dr. John Gottman, instead of “turning away from your partner” by holding a position with your partner in polarization.

 TIP 5: AVOIDING THE TRAPS THAT LEAD TO FURTHER DAMAGE  

After learning these effective communication aforementioned strategies, here are some things you and your partner should avoid doing during disagreements:

Silent Treatment that lasts for hours and days

Yelling and screaming

Leaving without telling your partner 

Bringing up past Issues

If you and your partner want to learn more about positive communication skills, Dr. Ching-Ching will provide you with practical tools and enhance your communication with your partner. Please feel free to schedule a complimentary 15 minutes consultation with Dr. Ching-Ching Ruan, or contact @ drchingchingruan@v2020counseling.com or (425) 310-2514.