The 5 “Small-Things-Often Habits” to Increase Intimacy with Your Partner/ Spouse in the New Year

A new year offers people an opportunity at renewal and reinvigoration. Goal achievement expert, Michael Hyatt, shares that if you have an aspiration that you just can’t seem to make measurable to achieve it, one strategy is to develop small, tangible, and measurable “habit steps” one at a time, and use these habits steps as a stepping stone to reach the aspiration. In other words, significant achievements are the result of ingrained habits over time. See Hyatt’s article on When and How to Use Habits to Achieve Your Goals.

Similar to the concept of developing small, concrete habit steps , the renown couples therapist, Dr. John Gottman, coins a term called “Small Things Often” to help couples build a positive, lasting relationship. He suggests that couples who do the small, thoughtful things often throughout the day consistently over time will create a path toward a more intimate, trusting, and satisfying relationship. Say, you want to grow more intimacy with your spouse in this new year, how would you do that by applying the idea of developing small and tangible habit steps to make it happen? There are seeral small moments throughout every day where you have a chance to create connections with your partner/ spouse. Here are the “5-Small-Things-Often Habits” that can make connections with your partner / spouse.

1st: Catering to your partner’s love language to start the day!

Catering to your partner’s love language to start the day brings both of you positive mood and mental strength to prepare for the challenges ahead throughout the day. For instance, when my husband brings me my barley green smoothy first thing in the morning, I feel loved and cared for. My husband’s “act of service” --making healthy smoothy in the morning—makes me feel cared for, and in turn, I’d like to express my positive feelings that cater to his love language, which is physical touch, for instance, a warm hug, or a kiss on his cheek. There are other small ways to start the day positively, for example, you can set the timer on your coffee maker the night before and bring a cup of joe to your partner if s/he loves coffee in the morning!

2nd: Parting ways

Do you say goodbye to your partner before you get out the door in the morning? Do you and your partner exchange some words like “I love you” or “Have a great day”? Or do you chat with your partner briefly about what your day would be like before you or partner leave for work? Dr. John Gottman talks about building rituals like a 6-second goodbye kiss when couples part ways in the morning can enhance bonding and create intimacy. So even if getting out the door is often hectic, try to make it a habit to at least give each other a quick hug or kiss before you go your separate ways.

3th:  The power of saying “Thank You” and “I appreciate you for…”

Expressing thank you or appreciation to your partner doesn’t happen on Valentine’s Day, your partner’s birthday, or Thanksgiving Day! You may think, well, my partner knows that I appreciate her/ him. And yet, it is really important to say them out loud and let her/ him hear your words of appreciation than keeping it inside you. Expressing appreciation toward your partner makes him/ her feel seen and acknowledged by you. In turn, your simple appreciation to your partner daily can increase the likelihood that your partner turns toward you more, or want to connect with you. You can thank your partner for a thoughtful or kind gesture, or catching your partner doing something right and saying thanks for it. For instance, “thank you for making a trip to the grocery store, so I can preserve some energy to complete my tasks at hand.”

Expressing appreciation can be done by sharing what you like about your partner’s personality or positive characters. For example, it is thoughtful of you to order the take-out for dinner tonight after a long day at work.

Based on Dr. John Gottman’s research on studying couples’ relationships, he found that happy couples frequently scan their environment for ways of appreciating each other, show appreciation through small actions daily, and consistently communicate mutual warmth and affection.

Building a culture of appreciation in small actions can make great impacts on building connections and affections for couples.

4th: Physical affection

Physical affection can trigger the release of oxytocin, the love hormone associated with feeling good, warm, and fuzzy. Some simple and practical habits to show and receive physical affections are hugging, snuggling on the couch, holding hands, giving each other a massage, etc. In particular, physical affection usually is out of mind for many married couples during the years of raising young children because life gets so busy. A simple but intentional tap on the shoulder or a lingering hug whenever possible helps couples to feel each other.

5th: Reunions and Keep a Few Minutes for You Two in the Evening

Reunions can be greeting your partner with a hug or kiss when you return at the end of the day. Or creating an undistracted time before bedtime to share your thoughts and feelings to connect with one another, which I call a “heart-to-heart special time”. Consider cutting back on scrolling on the internet or TV time in favor of a good conversation without devices. Whatever these small changes look like, know that they could pay dividends for your marriage.

For couples who share the same faith may want to pray together to connect at the spiritual level. For couples who go to bed at different times, being intentional to cultivate a time and space to connect with each other is critical.

The busy holiday season is over; now it’s time to get back to your regular busy routine. Now is the perfect time to revisit your time boundaries and develop relationship habits to make more time for one another. It’s the small things done often that make the biggest difference in relationships. I hope these practical habit tips help you and your partner/ spouse take back more time for yourselves this year.

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