Part 2: Finding Hope and Healing: How to Get Through Pregnancy Loss as a Couple
The loss of a baby can strain a couple’s relationship because of grief and the complexity of emotions. Many couples view miscarriage as a medical event, and may not see that miscarriage is a real loss that inevitably changes the couple’s dynamics. Because emotional distress, loss, and grief can run intense after experiencing miscarriage, going through pregnancy loss can be a time to “test” a couple’s relationship. To learn more about how miscarriage could strain the couple’s intimate relationship, please refer to my previous blog article here.
And yet, in my practice, I have a few couples sharing with me that their marriage was strengthened because of miscarriage. They certainly don’t want to go back to that painful period but appreciate that their marriage couldn’t be stronger without the test of going through the storm together. This post is to give hope and to offer coping strategies to couples who are still going through the pain of miscarriage.
1. Recognizing that going through a miscarriage and afterward is about the emotional journey of grieving. Therefore, allow you and your partner to grieve during and after miscarriage. Grieving will occupy a significant portion of your emotional energy for months. Because grieving is so unbearable, many people view grieving as something bad to be avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. But grieving a necessary process, helps you come to terms with this profound loss and move forward. Grieving is ultimately constructive, enabling you to gradually let go of what might have been and adjust to what it is. Avoiding grieving forces you to suppress all the emotions deep down for a short while, but they may surface later with more intensity, or transform into different energies or behaviors over time (e.g. compulsive behaviors, or depression).
2. Allowing you and your partner to grieve also means accepting and " being " with your and your partner’s emotions without fixing them. It is normal that when both partners are hurting due to miscarriage, they may not know how to handle their own emotions, let alone their partner’s. Emotions related to pregnancy loss are complex, not simple, and every individual has different reactions to the loss. Some emotions are obvious, for example, feeling sad, lonely, disappointed, angry, etc. Some emotions may be subtle, like feeling jealousy, guilt, resentment, etc. “Being” with your own and your partners’ emotions means that you make physical and emotional space to listen deeply- listen to the pain, anger, longing, and anguish. Embracing and attuning your partner’s emotions instead of fixing those emotions makes your partner feel open and safe to share raw emotions related to losses. In turn, sharing feelings brings couples closer to each other. Another way of being with your partner’s emotions is to name those specific emotions that you and your partner experience at the moment. Pregnancy loss can be ambiguous because there is no physical form. Naming these feelings can help the couple to alleviate stress. It also helps to process grief. Naming those feelings makes your partner feel heard and less overwhelmed as her/ his inner world is being seen and understood!
3. Making time for each other regularly by talking and listening, NOT offering solutions.
It’s easy for some people under stress to hide themselves in work or activities or become inaccessible while they veg out on the couch. Set aside time to be together as a couple and be present with each other. This might look like a morning walk, an afternoon coffee date, or snuggling on the couch with the TV off. When you spend time together, focus on the two of you, talking about the feelings and noticing the emotions you’re experiencing in yourself and in your partner. This does two things: it diminishes the emotion’s control over you, and it improves communication with your partner.
4. Arming the “ We Together” mindset- to “Turn Toward”, instead of “Turning away”.
A couple of months after miscarriage, many couples start to feel distant from their partner if they struggle to talk about or understand the complexity of emotions related to losses. For instance, the wife feels the need to get emotional support and validation from the husband, but the husband may not know how to respond to the wife’s emotions, or instead, provide action-oriented, practical support. The wife may feel emotionally lonely because her pain associated with the pregnancy loss doesn’t feel understood or supported by the husband. The wife may shut down, feeling more alone, and gradually the couple “turns away” from each other—psychologically and physically.
Dr. John Gottman’s work on couples developed the idea of turning towards your partner instead of away. Turning toward is not only being connected to the everyday mundanities but also a source of support in times of emotional distress. Going through a hard time like post-pregnancy loss can test a couple on how they turn to each other or away from each other.
Well, some of my clients, often the husband, fear that if they respond to their female partner’s feelings or even share their own feelings related to the pregnancy loss, they would trigger their partner’s pain and losses. However, this fear of adding distress to their female partner rarely manifests. On the contrary, female partners not only want to talk about their feelings but also appreciate and draw strength from their partners’ sharing of experiences with them. To turn toward, not away during the post-miscarriage is to have the courage to witness each other’s pain and sadness, and the sensitivity to know what kind of support your partner needs in different times.
Avoiding mind reading
Several female partners shared with me that “my husband knows that I’ve been sad. Why should I tell him how I feel…He should know!” Yes, the male partner may indeed see that the female partner is sad about the pregnancy loss, but he doesn’t know exactly what specific needs she expects from him in order to make her feel better. This is where a lot of misunderstandings, assumption-making, and unmet expectations happen that cause conflicts! Tell your spouse/ partner your positive needs by using soft start up can prevent many unnecessary. It’s a time to be vulnerable. It’s testing the couple’s relationship. If couples are not willing to be vulnerable and open
Withholding blame. Acknowledging different ways that you and your partner grieve (either action-oriented or emotion-oriented). Expressions of grief are often emotion-oriented or action-oriented. One partner may grieve by focusing on emotions either expressed or unepxressed, perhaps spending lots of time tearfully thinking, talking, and writing about what happened regarding miscarriage. Another partner may cope with grief by focusing on work, sports, or providing practical household chores to support the partner and the family! Due to different types of grief expressions, couples have a hard time recognizing and accepting the other person’s unique way of grieving. For instance, you may blame your partner for not showing the grief the way you are, but it doesn't mean that your partner is not grieving. That’s why it is important to spend a good amount of quality time focusing on talking and listening to each other’s emotions as mentioned earlier.
Making a conscious decision to get through this with compassion
Deciding to start moving forward while still grieving your loss can be a turning point. It’s a “reset” in the relationship. Miscarriage is a challenge to couples, but also an opportunity to open up a new territory that couples learn to “attune” to the other person’s world, listening to deeper and more complex feelings. The shared experience has made you and your spouse feel close as a team. This is the time to see the other person and feel seen by them. It’s time to remember who they are to you and why your relationship is so important. Remember to turn off your phones and be fully present.
Leaning to support groups, faith communities, and faith
Experiencing pregnancy loss can make you feel life can be unpredictable and out of control. You don’t need to grieve alone as there are support and resources available. Joining a support group for other parents who also experienced miscarriage, or finding spiritual or faith communities to gain support helps you know that you are not grieving alone. In the moment of grief and loss, seeking God or spiritual beliefs can be a source of comfort, healing, and grounding.
If you and your loved one are going through post-pregnancy loss, remember that you can find hope and healing again! If you need additional support on how to get through miscarriage, reach out to Dr. Ching-Ching Ruan | V 2020 Counseling to gain the tools and support you need for you and your partner. Dr. Ching-Ching offers in-person sessions in Bellevue and the Greater Seattle area, Washington, as well as online counseling to those who reside in the state of Connecticut and Washington. Email at drchingchingruan@v2020counseling.com or phone at (425) 310-2514.